Who's Your Nanny?

Wendy lives in New York City with three children under the age of four. She credits her productivity to coffee, and her best friendships, to wine. Find Wendy making errors in grammar and judgment at Mama One to Three She’s sharing her perspective on all things related to motherhood here on this guest post:

This is not a post about who has it harder, stay at home moms or working moms. That is a pointless argument invented by men so that we will have little time and energy devoted to competing for the best jobs or ending wars. (This is also the case for mascara shopping, by the way. Time-sucking fabulous mascara shopping.) It is definitely not a response to everyone who may have judged me for staying home and having a full-time nanny. (It's kind of that last thing.)

One recent humid spring morning started a little later than usual, possibly due to my children staying up until all hours the night before listening to thunderstorms. I was up with H and E watching Thomas and Friends when M stumbled in, demanding cereal. No not that cereal. NO THAT CEREAL. And not in that bowl.

Because I hadn't changed diapers yet (it's true. I let them eat breakfast first.), M ran screaming from the table that H pooped, H pooped, H pooped, I SMELL HIM!

Everyone is very involved in diaper changing here--not just the two toddlers actually in diapers. All three have strong opinions on the process. There are big arguments about who goes first, who pulls the wipes out of the container, who gets the diapers from the dresser. And then everyone must inspect the poop. (All before mommy has coffee.)

I didn't feel like dealing with that scene yet. I finally made a cup of coffee, remembered where I had put it down, and let them argue around their little table--yogurt smeared everywhere, blueberries crushed on the floor underneath, very little food actually consumed. Instantly, magically, I was watching a scene in which one or more children were going to be injured. Someone wanted the Elmo spoon, someone else wanted the other spoon back because it's MINE! One child pushed another off her little chair. One pinched another's arm so hard he cried. Everyone was screaming. It was 7:30 a.m. Let's assume it was Monday.

At 9:00 a.m. a ray of light entered my apartment. The music of the angels played. The children quieted. Birds sang outside the window. The nanny had arrived.

This is what happens each weekday morning. My children stop crying, run to the door, fight over opening it, jump on the nanny, begin screaming at her to take them outside, look at this picture, play with this toy... I sneak to the bathroom for a shower. And breathe.

Because I am home, my nanny and I usually split up the kids. Often though, she takes all three to the park in the morning so I can take above-mentioned shower, write, return e-mails, and/or make doctor’s appointments. She says, "I'll take them outside for a bit," and she doesn't flinch. It isn't a cruel joke. She is better at handling my children than I am. It's true. It's true from my viewpoint. And I think my neighbors would agree having heard me scream daily for the kids to STOP TOUCHING THE ELEVATOR and GET INSIDE THIS APARTMENT RIGHT THIS SECOND. Our babysitter never yells. She doesn't cry (in front of me at least). She has never walked out the apartment and slammed the door claiming she is "done." See? She's better.

I realize--mostly from trolling urban message boards--that there is a huge wave of resentment and anger directed toward stay-at-home moms who have help. Again, I don't blame women for this. I blame some nameless, faceless branch of society that has succeeded in dividing women among ourselves, ensuring we cannot successfully unite to fight for education reform, affordable quality day care, equal pay and an end to extreme poverty.

Before I had kids--wait--before I had three kids under the age of two, I would not have thought I'd have or want full-time help. Our current nanny has been with us for more than a year now, and I've had full-time help since the twins were born almost 2.5 years ago. This one addition to our family dynamic may have helped save my sanity and my marriage on more than one occasion. I cannot do it all (without crying). Whether I am actually doing any of it is addressed on a day-to-day basis.

Perhaps I am not as capable as other mothers with three or more kids; I see several of these super amazing women with three or more children in the grocery store or at the playground. A few are my friends. I bow to them. Left to my own, I might make regular meals of Cheerios and Pirate's Booty (the vegetable kind of course!). I am self conscious about having full-time help in my situation: when-I-don't-actually leave-the-house-to-go-to-a-job-where-I-get-a-paycheck-to-pay-for-our-full-time-help.

Other women may care nothing of my childcare situation; the most important judgment does come from my own altered expectations. Sometimes I worry my babysitter--lovely, kind person that she is--might be judging me just a little bit. She seems a little worried some evenings as she walks out the door leaving me with the kids screaming and still not in pajamas. Or in diapers or underwear some nights.

This fall, we will begin sharing our so special, light-of-our-lives nanny with another local family, as our needs are changing as the kids get older and begin new school schedules. Honestly, I am filled with a little bit of fear, a little bit of dread, and a dash of excitement for the change. How
odd that I have become so dependent and so self-conscious of the help I have needed with my children. This fall will bring growing pains and first steps not only for my children, but for their much older, still vulnerable mommy.

And last, I offer an editorial on my own post because that's how I roll: Many families don't have choices about child care or working. I am lucky beyond belief that I have a choice to stay home and the option of having help--any help. I have to say that. I say that to myself most days. Life is good and because it is, I get to think and write about these things...

Finding Motivation within the Realm of Motherhood

It’s no secret that being a mother (whether you work at home, stay at home, or work outside of the home) is one of the hardest jobs out there. There’s no salary for all of the long hours we put in; and aside from the beautiful children we give life to, the benefits aren’t all that great either. We’re overworked, underpaid, and unfortunately for so many moms out there, under appreciated.

During the first few months after my son was born, I found myself in a funk. Having struggled with depression during High School and College, I found myself falling victim to something much worse than the “baby blues.” I was on my way to a major case of Post-Partum Depression. The beautiful little boy that adored his mama (and still does, by the way) was sucking the life out of me. Between the unending piles of laundry and the dirty diapers, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I asked myself over and over again, “Why is motherhood so hard?”

Over time I’ve realized that the biggest problem I had, was finding motivation. My husband was working long hours; we were in a new city, hadn’t made a lot of friends and had zero family around. I found myself stuck in a place between not caring and “what’s the point?” When I finally hit rock bottom and got sick of feeling that way, I decided it was time to do something about it. Getting motivated, when you don’t feel like you have a reason to be motivated is tough. But there are a few simple, everyday things that can pull anyone out of there funk.

1. Take time to get yourself dressed and ready: Whether you stay at home or work at home, getting up and getting motivated starts from the time your feet hit the floor in the mornings. There were many days where I would have just assumed sit in my PJ’s and eat Ice Cream until it was time to crawl back in bed again. Getting up in the mornings, taking a shower and putting a little bit of time into making myself look better ended up making me feel better as well. Not to mention, my poor husband totally appreciated the change.

2. Make yourself a Schedule: I know that when you stay at home with your kid(s) it can seem a little pointless to have a schedule. What could you possibly need a schedule for when your day involves nothing more than tummy time, feedings, and diaper changes? Well, unless you want to end up on the next episode of Hoarders, you will need to clean your house at some point. And eventually, you will run out of clean clothes…so making yourself a schedule and taking note of the little things (like cooking, cleaning, and running errands) can give you something to look forward to everyday.

3. Find a Hobby: I’ve always been a writer, so when my son was born, I turned to blogging as an outlet and a safe haven on those days that things were just too much for me to handle. Aside from the creative outlet it provided, it opened the door to new friendships and a sense of community that I hadn’t found in our new home. Whether you’re interested in cooking, decorating or something totally different, exerting a little bit of creative energy is good for the soul. Buy yourself a new cookbook and work your way through it. Take up crafting or knitting. Find something to occupy your time with. As you get better, consider opening an Etsy Shoppe or teaching a class of your own within the neighborhood. Nothing will make you feel better than achievement and creativity.

4. Get out of the House: I can be a total homebody if my husband lets me. Now that I work from home, it’s even harder to pry me away from my computer and my writing (what can I say? I love what I do!). But it’s so important to your personal sanity to get out of the house and enjoy the fresh air and interaction with real people. Join a playgroup, pay a visit to the local library (most of them have some sort of story time during the week you can take your child to), go on a picnic in the park. Even if it’s only for an hour a day, you will feel 10 times better if you get out and away from your house.

Lastly, let me add that if you need help, ask for it. Everyone has been a new parent at some point or another. Talk to your mom or your in-laws. See if they will babysit for a few hours to you can go do your own thing. For me, a trip to the mall (even if I wasn’t shopping) or a visit to the Barnes & Noble to read for an hour and sip on a Starbucks was crucial during my sons first few months. No one needs or should have to deal with the baby blues and new-mommyhood alone. There are loads of people who would be willing to help you out if you ask.

What are your tips and bits of advice on overcoming a funk?

*And thanks so much to Denise for giving me the chance to Guest Post here! I am a HUGE fan of her jewelry! It’s always an honor to be featured and supported in another blogger’s space.

This post was written by Courtney, author of the blog The Mommy Matters. You can find her spilling it all on her personal blog, especially her adventures in motherhood.