I have always been passionate about designing and making meaningful gifts and keepsakes and was very fortunate to able to start my own business. Lauren Nicole Gifts (name after my niece) was started in 2004 and was a great way for me to have my own business, but still move around as an Army wife. My husband recently retired from the Army and we are now permanently located in Ouray, Colorado

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Monopolizing Parenting

“Don’t let her monopolize raising the children,” he said.

It was number three on a list of fifteen do’s and don’ts for marriage, part of a sociology lecture my senior year in college. I took the class to fill elective credits and only half paid attention most of the semester. But this day, in a classroom that sat 300 students on one of the largest campuses in the country, I stopped drawing trees and circles in the margin of my notebook and sat up a little straighter.

Along with edicts for women – “work hard to find a good father for your children” and “don’t play the little women” were rules geared toward men as well.

“If you drink, don’t marry a woman who doesn’t” and “reduce looking at women as sex objects” are in my memory. But the one that I hear in my head every day is, “Don’t let her monopolize raising the children.”

That day, as a 21-year-old, single, childless girl, I didn’t know the weight of those words. I thought it meant something like ‘show up for baseball games’ or ‘eat dinner as a family’ or ‘hand over the credit card when asked.’ I never could have imagined that keeping balance in a marriage and in a partnership between parents could be as hard as finding the ever-elusive balance between ‘career woman who wears cute shoes and likes drinking wine with friends’ and ‘person who never gets to pee by herself.’

10 years later, I think about those words and wonder if I do just that. Do I take charge of our children? Am I sometimes forced to take charge of our children? Does my husband defer to me?

And if so, why?

I have been a parent for exactly the same number of days that he has. We both work. He sees our kids every day. He gets them out of bed, changes diapers, puts dinner on small, bright, plastic plates, and kisses boo-boos.

But when I see him struggling with a tantrum or a fussy infant, I swoop in and fix it. I distract the toddler or take the baby to another room. In the moment, in my rational mind, I just want to fix the problem and soothe the child. In the back of my mind, I want to save my husband from feeling the same frustration that I feel too many times to count.

I walk the hallways in the middle of the night and push myself out of bed when the toddler wakes up with the sun on Sunday mornings. I make decisions about bedtimes and naptime and whether she can skip her bath. I enforce rules. I answer questions about how much medicine to give, if she should have sunscreen on or whether or not he needs a jacket. I schedule doctor’s appointments and talk to nurses.

Is that just the way it is because I’m the mom?


Does being around a lot of kids growing up give me more knowledge of their needs? Eh, I don’t think so.

Does that make me a better parent? Not even a little.

We all need a break from time to time. We gladly accept a pinch hitter who gives us a chance to catch our breath, cracks a joke, offers up cookies or hands out punishments. In my mind I’m being helpful.

But, am I monopolizing parenting?

This guest post was written by Krista, author of the blog Not Mommy of the Year. You can find her blogging about life, motherhood and everything in between.


Anonymous said...

so interesting... I am very aware that I do this too-- come in when things seem to be getting out of control-- In my case it is very much about ego, I am embarrassed to admit. I stay home (and write) and he works more than full time. I feel that "this" is my job and that becomes a spoken or unspoken issue for me: I know how to do my job, don't tell me how to do my job, I don't tell you how to do your job, can't you just let me do my job?
I do monopolize parenting-- a little because I have to (I am here!), a little because I am good at being a martyr, a little because it is a source of pride for me to do this job... I haven't really thought about this. thanks for the post!

Anonymous said...

I don't think so. My definition of "monopolizing" would be stepping in and over-riding his punishments...or rewards...or just his parenting in general.

Examples: Jumping in and saying, "She can't have that cookie! She didn't eat enough dinner!" when he's already judged that she did. Or--even bigger--deciding YOUR children are going to be raised with YOUR religious beliefs without any respect for your husband's beliefs.

I guess it's the heart behind the actions. Knowing how much Infant Tylenol the baby needs now that she hit 20 pounds isn't in the same league as thinking only YOU can properly take care of the kids.

Great post.

Blog Archive